How can one be so sure?
The first 24 hours of trying to distance myself from you
To: I.R.
Receiving your text about not being able to fit me in the picture over the long term made me cry my eyes out. How dare you say such thing after we had hours of a full-of-affection call?
My heart was fluttering because I was dumbfounded, then I burst into tears. It was not a complete shock though — I should have noticed your not-so-subtle hints and consistent pattern in our recurring deadlock argument. I should have known that a relationship with you will always involve an emotional rollercoaster ride: one second you made me feel like I am the luckiest girl on earth, the next you do not even bother letting me down. Still, I have no words. I thought loving you harder will, by any chance, change you in any miraculous way possible.
How can you be so sure that you do not want to spend your life with me despite all those sweet texts, lovely quality time, undivided attention, caring acts of service, comforting presence, thoughtful gifts, warm cuddles, and passionate kisses?
Did you even mean your actions and words, did it ever occur to you that those have consequences on me? Does years of sharing moments together mean absolutely nothing to you? I mean, I cannot foresee what the future holds for me either, but I thought I were someone worth fighting for?
Tell me — how am I supposed to move on from someone whose life has been really intertwined with mine?
Ever since we met, we technically never spent too much time not talking to each other. The first 24 hours seem like never came to pass, then how can I not talk to you for the next thousands of days when all we have done were talking, laughing, chatting, calling? Even when I feel like I hate you, I still want to talk to you, crazy! You are present in every minute of my digital watch (which was an early birthday gift from you), in every scent of Mandarina Duck black perfume that I brought here (which managed to turn me on every time I sniff your body), in every iMessage notification of my phone lock screen (to be gone soon), in every selfie of yours in my Favorite photos gallery (I think you are really cute hehe), even in my Swiss phone number (remember that I intentionally chose the combination of both of our Indonesian number?)— you are present even when you are not physically around. I know you inside out, you know me inside out (literally and figuratively, for fuck’s sake). Never did it cross my mind to seek another love, as it would have only ended up with me realizing how grateful I am to be with you. I have no idea how to tell my mom and dad that the person whom they welcome dearly in their house, is also the person who breaks their daughter’s heart.
I thought the Universe is answering our prayer when I heard that you are going to Germany.
I dream of spending weekends and holidays together — sometimes in your place, sometimes in mine. You did promise to cook me meals and take care of me once you are here. We have always jokingly argued about in which country should we live together: Germany or Switzerland? And in regard to our plan of taking a Europe trip with each other, I guess those are merely dreams now.
I was pretty sure that my miserable sobbing was overheard by my flatmates through these thin, non-soundproof walls. I called some friends of mine to console me. Nonetheless, all I need was supportive hugs, not some logical explanations why you acted the way you did.
I could no longer focus on my Climate Policy paper assignment due tomorrow. My mind was busy wondering the “why” questions (which you probably do not even have the answer to) and contemplating the endless “what ifs” and “should’ve”. I was losing my appetite (and perhaps my mind). I burned my pizza (that was so stupid of me); my flatmates were the ones cleaning up the mess. Regardless, life must go on, and thankfully my brain did not mind cooperating with me to finish this ill-timed assignment. You can imagine me sitting in front of my laptop with tears running down my face.
I was relieved to acknowledge that you still send me good night text and romantic GIF that evening. It still feels so surreal that those might be the last ones that I will ever receive.
Suddenly it is 2 am; I woke up in the middle of the night with my eyes completely swollen since I cried all day.
I checked my phone with the slightest hope to receive a notification from you, yet I found nothing. I was in a broken state when I first met you, and thanks to you that now I am crushed into pieces. I can even imagine that from time to time I will have nightmares starring you.
I told you that I have experienced losing you twice and I am scared to death of the idea of losing you for the third time, but you left me with no choices.
I am looking forward to spending birthdays, new year, and any celebration day together for years, but what can I do when I am not the one you want to share your memories with?
I suppose that if you care enough about me, you would not even stand seeing my mourning.
I thought that I have hit the rock bottom, but every time I hit another rock bottom, I just discovered that the depth is increasing infinitely. No, I would not ever wish to die because I ask God and the Universe to give me chance to live for another day. I really hate the fact that I thought life will get better at some point though, I think it is a series of trials with different episodes of misery. I tried framing it the other way around and I still came to the same conclusion: happiness is fleeting, sadness is long-lasting.
I am currently in a state of mixed emotions: grief, anger, denial, and pain.
I am on the verge of losing both myself and my sanity. I might even embarrass myself by begging you to stay here forever. Oh goddamn it, did you cast a fucking spell on me?
I said it once to you, and frankly, I want to scream this out loud so you and the rest of the world can hear me well:
I wish I never had to cross paths with you.
I wish I never had to cross paths with you.
I wish I never had to cross paths with you.
A cold night in Zürich, Switzerland, 11 October 2021 — 04:16
Salsa, brokenhearted for the n-th times
